Of Wands and Strawberries
by Opal the Goddess of Life
Summary: A series of One-shots revolving around our favorite characters from Bleach and Harry Potter getting caught in a bunch of wild Shenanigans. First Chapter undergoing rewrite!
1. The Unexpected

"How did I get rallied into this again?" Harry sighed walking along the dirt road, mumbling and grumbling about this atrocity of a mission only rivaled by paper work.

"Ya think I know? All I remember somebody calling me in for a mission briefing and everything else is black." Came the reply from the red-hair tattooed man next to him. He had to look up to see him, his senpai being a very muscular 188 cm tall. His crimson red hair was up into something resembling a pineapple, the source of much teasing in the break room (although rumor had it he was attempting to change it into something less fruit-shaped). Black tribal tattoos covered every visible appendage on his body, and he could only wonder how far they went…

The lone girl of the group scoffed, her somewhat cute features contorting into a look of distaste and contempt associated with full-blooded members of her clan. Or better yet, the Malfoys.

"You can't even remember how you got a mission? No wonder Nii-sama has been so stressed lately." She was rather short, though not the shortest in their merry band of Shinigami standing at about 144 cm. Her eyes were a rather unique (and in his opinion, nice) shade of violet, which managed to complement her raven black hair, only strengthening the resemblance to her adoptive family. She had recently gotten her hair cut to a 'bob' (something he only knew due to his pseudo-membership to the Shinigami Women's Society caused by their odd fascination with him) and he personally liked it better than her old style which made her seem much too serious (not that he was implying anything of course; he still loved Ginny after all, even with his less-than alive status).

"Oh yeah, then exactly how did we get sent on this mission?" his taller companion taunted.

"Easy, Sou-taicho presented us with a mission and we accepted." Harry sweat dropped.

"That's code for you weren't paying attention either, isn't it." Her back straitened and she peddled on ahead, unusually tense, trying to ignore the blush on her cheeks.

The Redhead beside him gave out a hearty laugh, one that sounded like it came from the pits of his abdomen, but did not have any sort of Santa Claus like quality. Instead it sounded like the very pits of 11th division hell, a place he saw once and never wished to see again, he wondered sometimes how Yumichika survived it before he remembered the real nature of the man. But, to think they had to survive that as a Ranking Initiation Ritual…

Were they all on crack or what?

"Oh, this is priceless; the oh so great Kuchiki Rukia, brought down to the levels of low ranking vice-captains." He did an over-dramatized gasp to complete the mockery; while normally they were good friends rumor had it their relationship had become a bit strained in absence of their 'closest' friend, savior of the Soul Society and mystery to much of the Shinigami population (especially the Women's Society); Ichigo Kurosaki. It was apparently justified if the morphing of her embarrassed blush to a flush of angry was any indication.

"Like you have any room to talk Akapine. Or do I need to remind you of the May Second Incident." She snorted, "The magnificent Abarai Renji caught drunk with people as low as 4th seats." She haughtily swung her head to one side in a great impression of Aunt Petunia.

"Hey! You know full well Yumichika and I go way back! And he wasn't even drunk! He was trying to pick up are sorry asses!" Renji's chest swelled with fury over the perceived insult to his friend. Rukia, probably meant no harm to Yumichika; she barely knew him and she wouldn't simply insult him for Renji's sake. She had probably just been trying to get him to shut up (which never turned out well) and forgot that Yumichika was only 5th seat, or that he was involved in the incident.

"My point still stands."

"Like hell it does!"

He held his hands in a placating way, hoping to soothe the tempers of two of the most prideful people in the entire Seireitei before it escalated any further.

"Could you please settle-"

"Shut up." The biting words brought on a sudden chill and they looked toward their last companion, forgetting all arguments in the pregnant silence. "Stop your bickering or I shall freeze you all to death." The 'Hard Ice' captain of the Tenth Squad, Hitsugaya Toshiro glared back at him. Normally the captain (who was not intimidating by any means, at a mere 139 cm and a rather childlike complexion) would have been able to resist the urge to snap their necks. After all, if he didn't have enormous patience he wouldn't have been saddled with Matsumoto as vice-captain. But today was not normal; the heat, the gawkers and a rather tedious mission had left the normally quite friendly taicho (in comparison to others that is) to a state of pure agitation.

They continued on in silence for a little while, simply walking around at a rather sedate pace, three because of fear, and one because of exhaustion. Eventually, Renji decided to break the silence like the (Courageous?) idiot he was. There was no doubt in his mind that Renji would be sorted into Gryffindor if the hat ever landed on his head, if not for bravery then for brashness.

"Hey, um why exactly are we visiting these people?" Rukia sighed.

"We are going to interfere in a dangerous place and build up our hurting ranks with people with potential."

"I still don't see why we have to do this." Akapine put his hands behind his head, prompting her smack him.

"Their Reiatsu is beginning to affect the neighbors!" They stopped in front of a run down shack of a house. It looked as if the world's biggest college party had been held there about 20 years ago and nothing had been cleaned up. The wood was turning black; the metal was rusting, but it still managed to be charming, somehow. Although it was most shocking when put next to the other houses; they followed a Japanese style while this one had more of an English-style to it; Gothic if he really had to give a name. It almost reminded him of his home in Scotland (so McGonagall could make sure her 'little lion' wasn't getting into anything too exciting in his 'retirement'). They walked up the decorative stone path to the front door trying to ignore the explosions and shouting from within the home.

Trying being the key word in that sentence.

"Give it back mutt!"

"Not in 100,000 years Snivilis!"

"Black! You give that back immediately or…"

The noises continued for quite sometime and all the while Harry grew paler as the voices resonated with memories within his mind. This wasn't supposed to happen! But it was happening, and if that laughter was any indication, the house had a lot more than just Sirius and Snape within its walls (he mentally winced in sympathy for the house).

"Uh, do you think, I can um, sit this one out? I'm not feeling well at the moment…" he let out a fit of nervous laughter as Hitsugaya raised one, damnable eyebrow.

"I've seen you take on 3 Grande at the same time, go head to head with Espada and Arrancar, brave to go toe-to-toe with Kuchiki-taicho in one of his 'moods', and survive Orihime's Pot Luck bento. And you're afraid of recruiting new Shinigami with some slightly destructive tendencies?" They all had a slightly incredulous look on their faces and he vehemently shook his head.

"No, no, no! Not at all! It's not necessarily the recruiting I have a problem with, and trust me, it's not just slightly destructive, and anyway the problem is who…" His explanation halted at the sound of the door and he found himself whipping his mask on over his face.

Harry recognized the man at the door, despite him looking decades younger. With sandy brown hair and harsh eyes of a nondescript color, his bulky frame contained all of his limbs excluding the chunk of nose that had apparently been missing since childhood. The 6-foot frame of Alastor 'Mad-eye' Moody loomed over them with a power and aura truly awe-inspiring. He was in his prime, and he could suddenly recognize why this man was feared so greatly among his enemies.

"We ain't interested in any of your dang papers so get lost." Rukia shook her head and stopped him from closing the door in their faces; a truly dangerous move when dealing with Mad-eye, but it wasn't like he could warn her.

"We are not here to sell you papers. I am Rukia Kuchiki, the man to my left is Fuku-taicho of the 6th Division Abarai Renji, the man to my right is 10th division Taicho Hitsugaya Toshiro, and the man behind Renji is…" She looked back at her partner to see him in his guard uniform. He wore a mask with slanted eyeholes; covered in red and black fang like markings. There was a thin line for the mouth, two near invisible holes for the nose, and two pointed appendages on both sides representing the ears. He now had his sword on his back instead of on his hip like normal. "The 3rd seat of the Hollow Guard, code name Fang."

The Hollow Guard contains the Shinigami-Daiko**(1)**, the Quincy (though they denied it), human bound Shinigami, the Visoreds (the ones that weren't captains anyway), and any other human with spirit powers that was generally accepted in the Seireitei. They were all positioned in the human world so they could carry out tasks in different areas, or defend different areas; the soul society either couldn't or wouldn't get to with or without endangering the humans of an area, or leaving an area of the Soul Society undefended. Harry was one assigned to a specific district, England. The man at the door eyed them warily.

"What do you want?" He growled, Harry tried to make look unaffected, but it wasn't working to well. Luckily Hitsugaya thought it his turn to speak.

"We are on a mission from Sou-taicho about the people living here and would like to have a word with everyone at the moment." The man nodded.

"I will see what I can do." Mad-eye shut the door and Harry sighed only to be smacked upside the head by Rukia.

"What the hell was that? Putting on your mask so suddenly, what are you thinking! Do you know how intimidating that is! They'll never joining us now!" Harry felt his anger rise over the blush implanted on his face.

"Listen, I know him from the human world! I know whom those voices belonged to, and who else is probably in this house!" he shook his head. "They all died for me in the war. What do you think they would do if they saw that I died, which is not entirely false? What would they say, what would I say? I'm not sure if I can face them now, Rukia." He looked her in the eyes, which was pretty hard considering the mask, and waited. She sighed.

"Well, they're going to find out eventually, though I admit this isn't the best way nor place to explain it to them. But if they're your friends as you implied, they would understand your reluctance to tell them immediately and in this way. They would be very hurt if it wasn't you to tell them." She turned back around and he knew she was right, but he'd wait all the same. He didn't want to tackle this issue when his mind was racing in a million different directions, it would only end in confusion for both parties. He would wait until this mission was finished to some degree and then approach. He hoped. They heard more shouting coming from the inside.

"Shinigami are here from the Seireitei on a mission? Then why the hell is the door closed, let them in Mad-eye!" they heard stomping footsteps and a girl with bright pink hair opened the door with a stunned Mad-eye behind her. "Sorry about Mad-eye he's a bit paranoid. Come in." she said brightly and led them inside. Right down the hallway was what acted as the main room, It was peculiarly round excluding the wall leading to the screened of porch, more American than English. He could see various other hallways leading to a kitchen and a study, as well as a family room, and a door that must lead to a potions lab of some kind. There was a stairway to there right leading up to a loft-like space that probably had all the bedroom, although it looked like someone slept on the couch.

The Backyard had a typical Japanese style garden complete with a walking path and a bird bath. However the traditional image was ruined by the swimming pool (fitted with diving board and water slide) right behind it closest to the tree line.

On the porch Dumbledore and a much younger Remus were playing shogi. He could spot Colin, Fred, and Cedric swimming around in the pool, jumping off the diving board and generally causing a ruckus. Meanwhile a girl with bright-red hair, his mom undoubtedly, was dragging two men, his dad and Sirius, by their ears while another, Snape, followed, frightened behind them. All of them looked around the same age as Remus, Harry noted, although this wasn't odd to him; when most people die they take the form of the age where their most powerful memory resides. That's why you didn't find too many old people around the Soul Society.

Dumbledore made a beckoning motion for them to come over and he felt as if he was a second year again, being called into his office for the very first time. Up close he could notice a few differences in appearance; a few less wrinkles, a shorter beard, some strips of auburn still left in his graying hair. But somehow he managed to look just like Dumbledore he just had a calm patient aura about him, quite similar to Ukitake-sama, er, taicho. Although, granted the neon orange/lime green kimono and the bowl of lemon drops helped a great deal.

"Hello I am Albus Dumbledore." Rukia took to being the spokesperson of the group, more comfortable in the familiar atmosphere.

"Hello I'm Kuchiki Rukia," she pointed to Renji, " the man next to me is Fuku-taicho Abarai Renji…"

"I'm 10th division Taicho Hitsugaya Toshiro and the boy over there is Fang of the Hollow Guard." He finished coldly, wanting to move this along. Luckily, Dumbledore was used to dealing with all types of unruly and unpleasant students and it seemed the rather rude interruption barely made ripples in his koi pond.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Kuchiki-san, Abarai-san, Hitsugaya-taicho, Fang." His eyes seemed to sparkle more as he reached him and Harry had a foreboding feeling. "And while it is nice of you to come visit, you are surely busy people and there must be some purpose to your visit?" Renji decided to grow some balls and speak up for himself.

"Yes, we are here on a, er, _request_ about all of you so for time I would suggest you all listen at once." Renji replied in a polite tone that for whatever reason made his hair stick on end. Polite Renji was just unnatural. Dumbledore nodded in a calm manner and managed to _speak_ over the chaos.

"It seems our visitors have a few important words for us."

'Yeah, a few." He rolled his eyes knowing no one could see him. He diverted his eyes over to Dumbledore's companion.

'Remus…' he was looking back at him as if he could sense his gaze, as if he knew they had met before. His eyes held curiosity mixed with an unknown emotion, was it sadness, hurt? He couldn't tell. He felt his heart leap and he oh so wanted to rip of his mask but fear stopped him. What would happen if he did that now? What would their reactions be to their supposedly alive hero being in the land of the dead? Besides just ripping the mask off like a piece of paper, as if it were no big deal, was not the best way to approach this… unique situation. Before they knew it everyone was in front of them, either sitting or standing. Dumbledore offered them a couple of seats but they declined, it shouldn't take them that long anyway. Rukia sighed, but that didn't make it any easier.

"Exactly how much do you know about Shinigami?" there was a pause before the youngest of them all, Colin Creevy, eagerly answered.

"They are warriors who help spirits pass on and purify hollows." Rukia nodded to say he was right.

"Yes, but there is much more to it then that." She paused to see if they were still following, "Each Shinigami has a special sword called a Zanpakuto. Zanpakuto are extensions of the person's soul and communicate, have names, and even take a solid form on some occasions. Each Zanpakuto has three forms; sealed, Shikai and Bankai, which levels you can use can decide rank, division, and pay." Mad-eye huffed.

"I don't see why any of this is important to know."

"I'm getting there!" Mad-eye's abrasive nature seemed to be rubbing Rukia the wrong way. She took a couple of moments to compose herself. "To keep up each level of Zanpakuto, or really, to have one at all, you need an excess of energy called Reiatsu. Reiatsu, or spirit energy, is gained by spirits upon death and can be used as a basic judgment of the power levels of a soul. Some have so much Reiatsu it can affect the outside world without prompting, like Hitsugaya-taicho's," she motioned to him, "and like yours."

"What?"

"Are you serious?"

"No I am."

"Really? After 20 years you're still saying that?"

"What, it's a good joke!"

Then a full-blown pun war broke out.

"You know, you really shouldn't be _Russian_ through this."

"Well I'm sorry if I can't _concentrate_."

"Hey, leave my Orange Juice out of this!" **(2)**

Rukia 'A-hem'd' to get their attention focused on them again.

"It's not just you, don't worry, but your Reiatsu is so strong that the neighbors are beginning to be affected by it. So Sou-taicho has come up with a solution of sorts, or perhaps compromise is better? There is a special academy that trains newly recruited Shinigami. If you go there you will be put through classes to train your Reiatsu and eventually become part of the Gotei 13. If you agree to it. If not then we will simply move you so you do not have any negative effects on the other spirits." She stated matter-of-factly. Suddenly chatter broke out among them and he could distinctly see his dad, Sirius, and Snape arguing again before his mom smacked them upside the head. Dumbledore merely looked thoughtful at the prospect of becoming a Shinigami. He took on a contemplative look, as if weighing the pros and the cons. Eventually he spoke.

"It sounds interesting, becoming a Shingami. What do you think Harry?" everyone in the room turned stock-still and stared. "What do you think about being a Shinigami? Is it worth it?" Harry was silent before he slumped his shoulders.

"How?" he said, sounding a bit sick. Dumbledore smiled and his eyes twinkled with mirth.

"I saw you on one of your escapades during your 5th year. It was actually quite intriguing, how you were able to remove your soul from your body and travel and spy. It was one thing I thought better kept a secret; I knew that neither Mr. Weasley nor Ms. Granger could do such a thing so I kept it to myself for later study." Harry sighed again, taking off his mask.

"I wouldn't have liked it to happen like this, though I suppose it can't be helped. I always had horrible timing, born on the wrong day, walked out at the wrong time, just missing the train, arriving late, arriving early; my bad timing replays over the course of history." Dumbledore laughed while most others stared wide-eyed at him, shocked at his appearance. He laughed sheepishly under their gazes. "I was going to tell you after-"

As if a switch had been flipped everyone, yet again started to talk. His mom was yelling (at him this time), Snape was twitching, Sirius was dancing, His dad was crying (in pride) trying to hide the tears and not succeeding. Fred was laughing and putting an arm around a shell-shocked Cedric, Tonks was congratulating him, Moody, well he really didn't know probably berating him for not being vigilant enough, Colin was all starry-eyed and he suddenly was having flashbacks to 2nd year (cause really, how could a 16-year-old still give that look?).

The others took a step back and couldn't help but wonder at these people's sanity. Then again, the wizarding hocus-pocus they'd seen up until that point fit well with these people. Harry noted, suprised, that even Scrimogeor and Crouch Sr. were there too (though not joining in on the flash-party). All in all even if you couldn't hear it, it was still pretty amusing. Well, to all except a certain 10th division white-haired 10th division Taicho because the temperature managed to drop several degrees.

"Would everyone just shut up!" everyone turned to look at the tiny taicho. "I'm sure that Harry would be more than happy to explain things after we've done our job!" He took a breath and counted to 10 "Now Harry would you…"

"Hit the deck!" Harry tackled Rukia to the ground effectively tripping Toshiro and shoving Renji to where she was. Rukia in response to the ungraceful tackle punched him in the nose. Because of this no one noticed Renji being slammed into by a random blur rendering him unconscious. As if a curtain had been lifted a girl appeared, dressed in miko robes standing on top of the red-head. Her long silver hair flowed down her back and her sapphire blue eyes sparkled like playful does, though he knew she had brains any Ravenclaw would be jealous of. Over her shoulder was the black satchel that she always carried with her, and never seemed to get full. The smile almost permanently planted on her face was ever-present still, her pink lips curving up gracefully.

"Harry, it so good to see you!"

"Um, you do, uh, realize that…" he motioned towards Renji. She looked down and shrugged.

"It's his fault he wasn't paying attention. Besides, he should be able to take this by now, don't you think? With all that 'training' he's doing." smiling again, though this time not as unnerving, she stepped back her posture relaxing and retaining a life-filled look.

"Hello, Harry." She gracefully stepped down off Renji and hop-stepped twice to give him a hug, as she always did. "It's been a while since I saw you last! What have you been up to?"

"Ah, Miss Kaguran, it is quite nice to see you again, have you been well?" Her head snapped toward his voice, somewhat startled. **(3)**

"Professor Dumbledore?" He chuckled.

"My dear, who else might you think I am?" She seemed to finally look around her.

"Cedric! Colin!" she barreled into him, a traditional Hufflepuff greeting (in her words at least). She emphatically rubbed her, um, emphatic chest into his. She spun Colin around, who was not at all fazed by her appearance. She stopped suddenly with an unreadable expression.

"Fred?"

"Ora?" They stared at each other for a long while, and he remembered with sudden clarity her face as she held his body, Percy and George close behind.

"What are you doing here anyway?" She whipped around, shaking herself out of her trance.

"The others are off on missions and stuff, so I got with delivery duty today." After the debacle with the 12th divisions spying equipment, most of the really important messages were handled by the Guard instead of by Hell Butterflies. After all, they invented them, who knows what kind of equipment they might have installed into them **(4)**?

A groan sounded from the right and Renji got up rubbing his head in pain.

"Then what the 'ell are ya doin' here!"

She cleared her throat in a professional manner.

"It has been decided by the Gotei, quite unanimously with Byakuya in the 4th and quite unable to do anything about it, that you would make an excellent Fuku-taicho." Rukia stared gob smacked at her. "All Taicho's, Fuku-taicho's, and otherwise important people are to be present at the 1st division quarters at precisely 7:30 AM tomorrow for the induction of Kuchiki Rukia as Fuku-taicho of the 13th."

They stared for a second at her.

"I-I- this- no way- I'm not-"

"Congratulations." And she disappeared.

Awkward silence descended over them.

"So about, um, Reiatsu, or was it Zanpakuto…"

"It's quite alright, I think we know enough to make our own decisions now. What are your decisions?"

Fred stared off into space, "sure."

"Totally! Then I can kick some butt like Harry and-"

"I'm alright with it."

His father, Remus and Sirius looked at each other for a long moment.

"Together forever?"

"The Marauders Mischief is never managed!"

"And someone has to be there to keep you in line."

"I am only doing this because I hate being in the same house as the mutt."

His mother leveled her gaze at him. "This could have many benefits for us." The others murmured or otherwise stated their agreement.

"So I suppose its settled then." Pictures of Kings Cross Station filtered through his mind, all the information revealed to him there.

"You don't have to Professor Dumbledore." They all looked at him. "After all that's happened, it's your choice, there are other ways to do this. You don't need to." Dumbledore gave him a serious look.

"I am aware, but," he looked off a little ways, "but, I suppose it just wouldn't feel right to spend the rest of my time here doing nothing. To truly put my heart to rest, I know I must do this. 'Death is but the next great adventure' I said that to you so many years ago. It wouldn't be right to change my words now." The stared at each other, as equals, "I have decided, we have. I simply can't imagine doing anything else, if your their already, all the better."

And Harry was reminded, of all the good the unexpected could bring.

* * *

><p><strong>(1): The Japanese term (or fan term) for representative shinigami, I find it sounds more rythmic and professional compared to Representative Shinigami.<strong>

**(2): A story now infamous around the Seireitei, often used in Drinking Songs and Funeral Afterparties (and before parties). The orange juice is a long story, of the misfortunes of Sirius and his poor, poor oranges. No one is quite sure what happened to this day, and all that is now known is that it left McGonagall laughing for weeks to come.**

**(3): Those well versed in Japanese lore, or have watched Chuggaaconroy's Okami-den let's play should know that Miko are essentially shrine maidens who are said to have mystical powers of exorcism, divination, ect. not completely different skills from wizards. I got Kaguran from Kagura, the place from which miko's are said to originate, Ora is short for Fioralba, an Italian name coming from "Fiora" and "Alba" meaning flower and dawn respectively.**

**(4): I do believe it was mentioned somewhere, that the 12th division created Hell Butterflies under Urahara.**

**hello everyone! Finally finished this, a rewrite of my most lengthy one-shot! It was a pain but it needed to be done.**

**Meanwhile each of my 'stories' is getting CRAZY. One Piece is flying all over the place, Naruto is (obviously) in an absolute riot between Tsunade and Tobi, and then of course there's Bleach (I thought you stopped being a pussy last arc Ichigo).**

**That thing with Byakuya dying, total crap, why would he (Kubo) kill off one of the main characters when we have barely seen any of them do anything after the timeskip? We haven't had enough time to make it matter (so its either a trick or BS writing). The thing with the vice-captain is different, his death was used to learn more about other characters and further the plot, as well as our understanding of the plot. So far, Byakuya's death has done nothing but outrage the fangirls and a nice portion of the sensible fanbase as well.  
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**Finally, anyone willing to draw a cover for this is perfectly welcome to do so (I've been meeting to but I don't know how, lol).  
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**Anyway Ta-ta for now.**


	2. Of Riddles, Mysteries, and Enigmas

**Time Frame: Before Ichigo became a Soul Reaper**

**Word Count: 785**

**Summary: Orihime ponders the mysteries of the recluse foreign exchange student.**

**Warnings: None**

**Authors Note: A bit of a pain to word, but I think it turned out pretty well. x)  
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**Thank You: 10th Squad 3rd Seat for reviewing! And to the people who favorited and followed this story!**

Orihime Inoue was not one to get caught up in the usual suspects of the high school girl's gossip column, but she simply couldn't help but get caught in the latest whirlwind sweeping across the more hormonal side of the school locker rooms.

"Well, he is pretty mysterious isn't he?" Tatsuki just shrugged vaguely.

"Yeah, I guess so. Personally, I just don't understand why they get all riled up about him though."

"But isn't it weird how he only shows up for parts of the school year?"

"No weirder than Ichigo's hair." She snorted out causing Chizuru to guffaw in disbelief.

Orihime bit her lip, yes, she normally didn't get involved in these types of things, but she had to agree with Chizuru on the enigma of Harry Potter.

The pseudo transfer student was a British national who came to study in Karakura while their schools were on break. That in and of itself was rather strange, shouldn't he be learning all of this stuff at his own school? When asked, he sheepishly admitted (perhaps meekly is better) that his school's curriculum was rather specialized, on what he wouldn't say only adding to the intrigue surrounding the foreigner.

The boy was a freshman, a year below them, and was shy and distant, although polite. He didn't really have friends, more like acquaintances, and didn't go out of his way to make them. He helped other students with classwork when he was around, but for the most part took classes separately from the other students, supposedly not even taking classes like Chemistry and Life Science.

On the other had the boy seemed silently determined, his staggering green eyes gaining a gritty gleam from within his beautiful face. And he _was_ beautiful, almost unnaturally so, with how his exotically green eyes, the color of the greenest leaves of summer, seemed to glow in contrast to his fair skin and messy sable hair. He wasn't small per se, but petite all the same, and had a grace to his movements that made them seem almost melodic. He couldn't be called handsome, but had a stupefying beauty that rendered many of the more starry-eyed underclassmen speechless (1).

"What do you think Orihime?" her head shot up as she was suddenly dragged into the conversation dominating the school, and their lunch period. She tilted her head in thought.

"I don't really know what to think, he is odd though, I guess."

"I know right! Like how he has private classes with the tutoring aides, but is always in the top of his class!" Chizuru exclaimed, chopsticks partway to her mouth.

"And how about that school of his? Some people are saying it's a school for like, little geniuses." Mahana blurted out.

"Really? I heard it was for like the super-rich and his parents are like famous and they sent him over here so he wouldn't be harassed by the paparazzi." Michiru stated, surprised (2).

"Someone else said that his family is in the mafia, and a rival family is hunting him and his other school is where he learns to fight and stuff."

They all went on an on about various theories that might be true from marine biologist, to secret agent, to reincarnated Spartan Prince.

"I don't think any of those are true." She stated shyly. They all paused for a moment and started to laugh suddenly.

"Listen to us! We sound like a bunch of hormonal underclassmen!"

"Those theories are pretty outlandish aren't they?"

"Completely ridiculous!" They all laughed, their lunches temporarily forgotten.

"I guess he is a bit strange though," Tatsuki admitted, "what was that saying again? Something about a riddle in an enigma?"(3)

"I wouldn't go that far."

"eep!"

"Kurosaki-kun!"

"Hey Carrot-top! What's up with the James Bond routine, you could give someone a heart attack!"

The well-built form of Ichigo Kurosaki towered over them, his bright orange hair completing the unique visage he creates, an image as arresting as Potter-kun's on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

"I wouldn't say he was an enigma or some other dramatic word you wanna put on it. Everyone's got there secrets, and no one really knows the kid well do they? So how can we tell if there's a ghost in his closet if we don't even go passed the front door?" He stopped to look off towards the tree line she could spot Potter-kun eating his bento with a bit of caution, though seeming to like the obviously foreign food.

"Besides," He gave a wry smile, "he and his mysteries fit right in, don't ya think?"

She thought for a moment. Yeah, it did kind of fit in with all the other weird things around here didn't it? The strange foreign summer student seemed right at home among Spanish-Japanese students and ghost whispers didn't it?

She sighed and focused her attention back on her lunch, content to think about it some other time.

**(1): the use of the word 'stupefying' in this sentence is intentional; I thought it would be funny for the people who caught it in a sorta toned-down chapter.**

**(2): Mahana Natsui and Michiru Ogawa; they're two of Ichigo and Orihime's classmates and are shown having lunch with Orihime, Tatsuki, and Rukia along with a couple other girls I didn't name. You can imagine it's the same group of girls here.**

**(3): The quote is from Winston Churchill, one of the British leaders during World War 2. The real phrase is "It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma." Which is part of a larger quote about the actions of Russia. It is probably the most well-known British quote on my side of the pond because people use this phrase so regularly in America they think its American, and I've also heard it being quoted in Canada and Mexico on the occasions I've been there. **

**The first of many one-shots connected to 'The Unexpected' universe, it came in the middle of the night and I put off proofing until the morning. **  
><strong>So how do like it? Please send me a review, even if you hate it. Reviews are the Chicken Soup of my soul and are always welcomed. <strong>

**PS: I Totally Predicted Rukia's Promotion!  
><strong>

**Sayonara~**


	3. On the Straight and Narrow

**Words: 510**

**Summary: Ichigo and the crew learn about the hidden life of Harry Potter.**

**Warnings: Foul Language towards the end**

**Word(s) Of the Day: Deus Ex Machina-An unexpected power or event saving a hopeless situation, esp. as a plot device in a play or novel.**

**Thank Yous: jesterofjords, tsunahime0602, Diamond999, Misao-Chan9970, Shadow Kitsune11, the leviathan rises, AddienaRoxUnlessYourFang, Lord Shadowstorm, and kuchikirukia07 for either favoriting or following this story. I love you guys!  
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**Author's Note: This is crack, enjoy~**

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"So let me get this straight." Harry sighed and resigned himself to sit through the Q&A without a meltdown. Or at least not a violent one.

"You're a wizard, as in wand waving, spell-casting, Merlin, Disney wizard?"

"Yep"

"And your part of a secret society full of these wizards?"

"And witches yeah." Ichigo rolled his eyes as if saying 'well, duh!'

"And so this guy,"

"Voldemort"

"Okay, _Voldemort, _created basically a Yakuza to start a mass genocide of wizards from non-wizarding families?"(1)

"Who they call muggleborns, but yeah, pretty much." Ichigo glared at him. "What! I'm just giving you more details, don't shoot the messenger!" he said some choice words under his breath, which were louder than he thought if the snort Renji gave was any indicator.

"So this guy,"

"_Voldemort_."

"Moldy-shorts, Hairy-wart, _whatever_. The guy gained a bunch pureblood supporters from all-wizarding families," here he paused and looked at Harry expectantly.

"What!"

"I just thought you were going to interrupt me again."

"What the hell! Who do think I am, a holy prophet? You're doing fine, get it right and I won't have to keep interrupting you!" they glared at each other for a moment before they reluctantly look away.

"anyway, he called these people Death Eaters, and pitted them against these people called the Order of the Phoenix, started by the 'greatest wizard of all time', who is a _headmaster_ of a _children's_ _school_?" There were a couple snorts and indignant looks at the aptly named the death eaters, but any further reactions were held in.

Harry nodded and Ichigo muttered something akin to ridiculous while he heard something from Ikkaku's side of the room that sounded remarkably like 'fucking dumbasses'.

"Anyway, so this _genius_, for what ever reason, decided that a year old baby was a danger to him and decided to use some unbeatable kill spell on you. Except you blocked it, even though no one else could do that, and it hit him instead."

"Yeah, at least that's all I know. Well, Professor Dumbledore says it was my mother's love that saved me, but I didn't think you'd like that explanation…"

They all stared at him like he'd grown an extra head.

"What kind of Deus Ex Machina baby _were_ you?"

"Well I-"

"Wait a second, don't answer that. So basically this 'hidden society' worshiped you as some sort of savior, and so to save you from a giant ego, " Renji and Ikkaku snorted again and Harry gave them the _look _which only cause them to chortle and hiccup in amusement. "So this Dumbledore person left you with your aunt who hates you, and anything related to magic, and kept your magic, and your money from you until you were 11."

"Actually he doesn't know I have my money. I stole the key from my best friend's mom, and bought a year supply of Poly- um, disguise potion with extra school supply funds and traded the gold for regular pounds to get to the alley…" He trailed off, and again they were all staring at him. (2)

"What kind of fucked up world do live in?" Harry couldn't honestly help but laugh at the 11th division taicho.(3)

"Just wait till you hear about my school years…"

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**(1): Yakuza- a Japanese gang/gang member. You can find references to them in various anime including Fruits Basket, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, and Ouran High School Host Club.  
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**(2): For the various Americans (myself included), pounds are a form of British currency. Unfortunately I can't do much about British language/culture because I am American but I will do the best I can to include the things I am aware of. In the mean time, if there is anyone in Britain that can make me more aware of customs beyond "fish and chips" I would be GLAD to know. **

**(3): Taicho- the formal Japanese word for captain used in Bleach as opposed to Sencho. fittingly fuku-taicho (half-captain) is used for Lieutenants.  
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**Crack is Crack and I LOVES IT.**

**So, in other words, it came and I hearkened and it comes to you now. Hope you liked this weird snippet of a chapter.**

**Reviews are my motivators, so please send me one. Any ideas and criticisms are also welcome.**

**Sayonara~**


	4. A Marching Band,What a Concept!

**Title: A Marching Band...What A Concept!  
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**Words: 834**

**Time frame: Pre-Timeskip**

**Summary: Harry and Keigo think Ichigo needs a hobby.**

**Warnings: None**

**Dedication: To Mr. Miller for pushing me and so many others to go beyond our expectations and shine in the moment.**

**Author's Note: I'm a Band Geek and I'm proud of it!**

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"I think you should take up a hobby." Ichigo deemed it prudent to simply stare at two of his best friends incredulously.

"What?" They apparently felt his confusion was due to hearing problems because they simply repeated their earlier statement a bit firmer this time.

"Okay, alright. Explain to me exactly, why in the world you think I need a hobby." Agitation rolled off his skin in waves and they looked more and more nervous with each twitch of his eyebrow.

"Well," Harry fidgeted a bit, "it's just, well, you've been really, um, moody, and, uh, depressed and just, um, not quite yourself lately."

"And knitting and making bonbons on weekends is going to help me how?"

"Look Ichigo," Keigo leaned forward and his eyes narrowed, in a state of seriousness not many people saw, "I've been your friend since before kindergarten, and regardless of what you, or anyone else, says, I know when something's up. I've seen your highs and lows, and I've been there every single day for you from the start of this- this whatever it is!" Keigo had that determined look on his face, and they both knew this wasn't an easy battle.

"Yeah, I know Keigo, even if I don't always show that. I'll be there for you too, but you just don't-"

"Don't you start me on that 'You just don't understand' crap Mizuho gives me when she's on her period, I fully understand the purgatory you're going through now! How do you think I felt when you went off to rescue Orihime and I couldn't do anything? Or how about when you didn't even tell me about it?"

"Keigo I know, well, I'm sorry alright. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner, I just didn't want to drag you into my mess, a mess that wasn't really mine in the first place! But I'm just reeling right now-"

"Which is exactly why you need a hobby!"

"I don't think-"

"Just listen. I know you, and you just need a distraction, one that's important, that actually have to put effort into, not something to do on just weekends."

"Although those help." They both stared at Harry, "Hey, voice of experience talking here!"

"Whatever. When your mom died you put your heart and soul into your stuff at the dojo, and then when you accomplished that you took up drawing and crap until you were over it."

Ichigo's eyebrow was twitching again. "Your point?"

"When something hard was going on you distracted yourself by focusing on something else. You even got me into Computers after my- well, when Miruko, died. And then Mizuiro with his pyrotechnics…"

"It's a recipe that's worked in the past, is what he's trying to say."

Ichigo seemed to mull it over for a couple of seconds, before giving in to their point, to some degree.

"And what hobby, exactly would you suggest?"

"Band."

"Wha, huh, _What_?"

"Remember how in Junior High we all had to take an "Artistic" elective, and you choose band over calligraphy? How you wanted to take it in high school but that IT course was only available during that period."

"Yeah."

"Well now's your chance! You've already taken that IT course, and I know you don't like the history teacher." They all shivered. The Town History teacher, Wakahisa-sensei was the exact opposite of her name. She was a withering old hag that liked to through a storm over the smallest of things, like how the girls football team couldn't seem to win a single game and how the Basketball team could barely get on the court (1). She was renown throughout the school for starting a fight with Yamamoto-sensei over how he coached his baseball team, simultaneously instilling awe and terror in the student body with all the things you could do with a lunch tray, a wok, and a spatula.(2) Even Shinji was horrified.

"So her class isn't," He searched for a word, "_ideal_ so what! That means I should just give it up to join the band?" Keigo gave him a dull look.

"Come on. Stop resisting, you loved band and you know it. And I know for a fact you kept your French Horn." Ichigo's embarrassed face was all the answer he needed, "So why not get back into it? It'll be a lot more enjoyable than the hag anyway. Besides, me, Mizuiro, and Harry are all in it to so you won't have to make any new friends either."

"Well,"

"And we have that trip to Disney this year too." Ichigo's head shot up at Harry's statement.

"Disney?" Harry nodded.

"The land where dreams come true, happiest place on earth." Ichigo bit his lip in thought as Keigo high-fived Harry behind their backs.

"Fine. But it's not about a hobby," the 'or Disney' was unspoken, "I- just don't want to take Local History, understand!" and he wants to, but they didn't need to say that. The two conspirators just gave smug farewells and walked away.

"That was good." Keigo looked at Harry, impressed once they were well out of earshot.

"It's a gift." They parted ways, one to Chemistry one to Ancient History, heads high at their, perhaps, monumental accomplishment.

Because very few people could boast a win over Ichigo Kurosaki.

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**(1): Wakahisa is a Japanese surname which can be roughly translated as 'forever young'.**

**(2): A small reference to Takashi Yamamoto from KHR! Who is a baseball freak**

**I am literally posting this just as I get back from the first football game of the season (even before I take a shower). Mr. Miller (our band director) is such a fun guy and we enjoy getting to work with him every rehersal. The title is a common phrase of his (one of many), and really, this entire chapter is inspired by him, which is why I this dedication is so well deserved. Expect to see more of the adventures of the marching band and possibly an appearance from the elusive Miller!  
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**(Fun note: I wrote an entire 2 chapters before this but I posted this before editing either of them. Lol)**

**Reviews are my defense against Twitards and Bieber-wanna-be's. Cookies go to who went to what class.  
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	5. Dude in Distress

**Time Frame: Substitute Shinigami Badge Arc.**

**Words: 567**

**Summary: How Harry handles Tsukishima**

**Warnings: Bondage?**

**Authors Note: A fun little Crack fic about the perils faced by one of the sexiest bleach villains (Cause Grimmjow's an anti-hero and we all know it).**

**Thank Yous: Rise Above and Aoifan91  
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Harry sighed and turned off his television set, an old Toshiba from the 1990's that got maybe 6 channels, it worked, and that's all he cared for. At least, that's all he cared for when there was something _on _those 6 channels. It was too late for any talk shows or news and too early for any late-night anime, so all he was left with was crappy dramas and crime shows (and he'd seen way too much crime in the past 9 months).

Honestly, he'd come to Japan as an escape from the hectic/monotonous life of Britain, but the only thing to do was sit and watch T.V.! And Ichigo had been acting really strange lately so going over to his place wasn't even an option! He could always hang out with Keigo and Mizuiro, or even Tatsuki, but Keigo had been in a bad mood all day from Ichigo's funk and he didn't wanna know what kinda pick-me-up Mizuiro had planned (unless it was another theme movie night but he didn't think so) and Tatsuki had lessons tomorrow…

He sighed and resigned himself into having to walk all the way too the movie rental 7 blocks away. He didn't bother shutting the T.V. off or turning off the lights, he'd be back in a half hour anyway so why bother? He grabbed the keys off the counter when a knock sounded at the door.

'Who the hell'd be looking for me at 7:00?' The Mini-Moody that festered itself in the back of his conscious screamed 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' and no one doubted Mini-Moody. He pulled his wand out, the holly feeling smooth and refreshing under his fingertips.

He cautiously approached the door and looked through the magical glass he installed as an eyepiece. The guy looked pretty normal, fairly attractive, sorta expensive-WAS THAT A SWORD?

The guy, whoever he was, was obviously impatient; he looked like he was about to blow a gasket. OK, let's see, how in the world could he take out a guy with a sword without getting stabbed first?

He carefully opened the window and shot an Incarcerous at him before the guy realized he'd caught on to his plan. He gave a sigh, so much for that movie. He hopped out his window and grabbed the sword (By the hilt, he wasn't insane!) and immediately felt the familiar feeling of spirit energy.

"Well, Well, Spirit Energy huh? Ichigo just can't catch a break, huh?" he shook his head and started to stretch. "Ah well, things were getting boring and Besides, this hasn't been much of a vacation anyway." The fair-haired fellow he managed to wrangle just sneered at him hatefully.

"You aren't able to keep me like this for long." Harry just raised an eyebrow at the man's angry tones.

"Maybe, but I can make it last just a bit longer."

BL3ACH

The phone call was received promptly after 3 rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey Ishida, do you think your well enough to kick some ass?" there was three beats before he got an answer.

"Why?"

"Ichigo's going all 'damsel in distress' again." There was a snort on the other end of the phone. "A guy just came up to my door and tried to attack me, and I have a feeling I'm not his first stop. Ichigo is probably going insane right now, for what I have no idea, and I have a feeling the shinigami are gonna do... whatever they're planning to do tonight. And as much as I hate to say it, it's entirely possible that between his emo and his mother-henning he won't be able to take to take the stress of, whatever this is between whatever they're planning. I mean, band's is helping him and all, but he's still in emotional rehab." Ishida paused for a moment as he pulled the knot as tight as it would go.

"I might be able to fight if I got into some more practical bandages. That might take a while though, and I can't promise perfection." Harry got up and walked to the door.

"That's fine, the bad guys are a bit preoccupied at the moment." Harry turned around for a moment to look behind him.

"Have Fun!"

And shut the door in front of the tightly bound and gagged Tsukishima he left in his living room.

"What did you do?"

"Oh, nothing to huge, just bought us some time." He could tell Uryuu was shaking his head.

"You and your ropes."

"Oh, just shut up! Anyway, do you know anything about what these guys want..."

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**And Finished. This might have something to do with my more perverted side, but shouldn't be taken too seriously. The whole 'Dude in Distress' joke is because, in both instances where Rukia and Orihime are kidnapped, he seems a lot more distressed then either of the 'Damsels'. Plus reading through the Substitute Shinigami Arc was just torture anyway, and I think most bleach fans/readers really just wanted to wring Tsukishima's neck for taking _forever_.**

**On a more interesting note, the spell-check is absolutely hilarious. Tsukishima changed his name from Tsushima, Uryuu Ishida is supposed to be Urdu Ischia, Uruk Ishii, Ury Isolda, or Ursus Ishim, Rukia is Rakia, Orihime is Origine (or Rhime), Ichigo is Inigo, Tatsuki is Tarski, Keigo is Keiko, Mizuiro is Mindoro, and Grimmjow is supposed to be Grimmshaw. Kubo apparently doesn't know how to use spell-check. How sad, lol.  
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**On another note, I'm posting this at 6 o'something in the morning with maybe 5 hours of sleep right before my band leaves for the other side of the state for a game. T_T It's so incredibly unfair! Four hour bus ride just to sweat our tails off! Well, insomnia isn't something you can just turn off and the bus ride is long anyway...  
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**Anyway, Sayonara guys~  
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	6. Peacocks and Deer

**Title: Peacocks and Deers  
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**Words: 559**

**Time Frame: Whenever you want**

**Summary: The beginning of the Apocalypse.**

**Warnings: giggles abound**

**Thank Yous: Killroy225 **

**Word(s) of the Day: Apocalyptic Phenomena: something belaying the apocalypse; like school.**

**Author's Note: My Creative juices coming to their peak for the beginning of the school year. And probably the funniest thing I've written.**

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><p>It was the end of the world. There was no other way to explain it.<p>

This, absolutely, should _not_ be happening. It wasn't possible.

"I think this would look great on you!"

"Really? I'm not sure... the pattern is nice, and it fits well, but this color right here…"

"Hmn, I see what you mean. What do you think, U-kun?"

"Well, I think this black turtle-neck would be nice. Classic, don't you think."

"True, a closet isn't complete without a turtle-neck."

"The fabric is nice, too. Not itchy or anything…"

There was absolutely no other way to explain this other than some sort of apocalyptic phenomena.

Uryuu, Yumichika, and Hari were _clothes shopping_. _Together_. _Willingly_. And they were _getting along_. There was just absolutely no way other than divine intervention.

"What about these?" Harry held up a pair of worn, denim pants.

"I'm not sure, the color doesn't just doesn't seem to suit you…" Yumichika had a sudden epiphany and held up a similar pair of a darker color. "What do you think?"

"You're right, those would look better on me."

"And what about this shirt…"

He drowned out Uryuu and tried desperately to find his happy place. When Yumichika and Uryuu got a glimpse at Hari's 'wardrobe' they pounced on the 'make-over of a lifetime' and Hari agreed, and was actively helping. Somehow they found he had an innate fashion sense (his clothes were apparently cast-offs) and now they were all helping each other 'update' their closets. No, don't think about it! Don't let them get to you! It felt like he was breathing water, like something was crushing all the space from his rib cage. This was terrible, it was beyond terrible, it was horrifying!

"What do you think about these?" Oh, no not Keigo too! It was contagious!

"Hm, leather huh?"

"Oh, it would go great with this top!"

"Green?"

"It matches your eyes."

"You don't seem to happy. Isn't green your favorite color?"

"Yeah well, it's also the color of our rival house…"

"Well what are your houses colors?"

"Red and Gold, why." Uryuu leafed through the clothes rack before finding a black and white leather blazer.

"Because we can have this customized to change the white parts to red or gold."

"Really? Could we do the same thing with these pants? If they were a bit darker they would look great on Yu-kun."

He could only hope that it ended soon.

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><p>It turned out it wouldn't end anytime soon.<p>

Ichigo slammed the door open with all his might, startling the various state of shinigami holding meetings in his living room.

"What the-"

"Oh. My. God."

"How in-"

"Wha' the 'ell did Yumi do ta ya?"

Ichigo's form was bent in to from the strain of the days 'loot'. Apparently feeling he was slow his companions walked into the house without him answering the various horror-struck captains and vice-captains holding a meeting _in his house, _chatting merrily all the way.

They ended up shopping at 17 stores in 7 hours and 43 minutes, resulting in over 30 bags (most of which they piled on him) and 14 custom orders and a bill of what must have been over 20 million yen.

His vision swam; he just wished he could forget everything that happened today.

"Dude are you alright?"

"Ichigo!"

Ignoring the panicking of friends around him he blacked out on to his carpet.

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><p><strong>Today is 94/12 and is officially the day before I am starting school. I promised myself I would finish this and my rewrite of The Unexpected before school started but I think between school shopping and birthdays and football games I think one out of two is a pretty good deal before I get swamped with the homework and drama that comes with High School.**

**For clarification Ichigo's dad (and Urahara) offered Ichigo's house as a base of operations to the Gotei 13 so all Captains, Vice-captains and stronger seated (and unseated) members of the Gotei will be there. Picture Kenpachi, Ikkaku, Byakuya, Renji, Rukia plus (insert favorite character here) as being in the living room at that moment (Renji and Rukia were the main panikers in the last scene.**

**Yumichika is my favorite character in Bleach and I really want to see more of him featured (he's one of the reasons I like the filler arcs). Meanwhile the spell-check never fails. Uryuu is now Guru Ryun, Ikkaku is Akaka, Kenpachi is really Kamahi from Karpuchea (there were a ton of other funny ones I didn't list), Ichigo has a ton of aliases, from Inching and Itching, to Chigoes and Chignon,all from Michigan. Keigo is Keego, Byakuya is some guy named Yakaki, Renji is Rienzi, and Urahara has a store of Urinary Urethra's in that store closet of his.**

**Anyways guys, thanks for your support and continued reading, you'll be getting that rewrite sometime within the next two months most likely. And I hope you enjoy the new school year! Reviews inspire me to ignore my homework, and Favorites help me wake up at six in the morning!**

**Sayonara bye-bye~**


	7. Lionhearted

**Title: Lionhearted**

**Time Frame: Non-specific after Soul Society arc but before Harry's Trial**

**Summary: Hermione's reaction to their adventures in the Soul Society**

**Warning: A lot of profanity towards the middle/endish **

**Authors Note: I think this is personally one of my better ones. Of course, I can't really be the best judge of that. I guess we'll see by the number of reviews i get, if anyone is still reading this even. **

**Thank You: To everyone who has waited this long for a chapter**

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><p>"So let me get this straight-"<p>

"I know what you're going to say-"

"No you don't, so shut the bloody hell up!"

"Hey, that my phrase!"

"Shut up Ron!" Hermione spun around, spitting fire and breathing smoke. Her hair frazzled before their very eyes, enlarging to at least twice its size, even as her hands longed to string his, well, their necks. Of course before long, she'd turned back and was looking him square in the eye.

"So let me get this straight-"

"Look Hermione-"

"One more interruption and I will _rip out your intestines_!" Now she looked positively livid; her face turned an angry red and her eyes narrowed in a display of what, precisely, got her into Gryffindor.

"So let-" an annoyed look crossed her face, and she started over. "So, you went back to Japan, knowing Rukia would be captured, and then _gave her_ to the enemy, _killed yourself_, forced yourself into a coma, trained to _invade heaven_, broke into its 'inner sanctum', faced off against several captains of _the military_, stopped her execution, and-" She took in another breath of air, "helped unmask a part-psychotic _terrorist_ attempting to stage a coup to become _god_?" She was in front of him now, hands in front of his face squeezed in a strangling motion.

"Yeah, pretty much." He then proceeded to stare in horror as her face became redder than Ron's hair, and she grew to where she towered over him. It was all he could do to slump back and hope and pray that he would live.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! What in the BLOODY HELL, were you THINKING!" And then his hoping and praying tossed into hell. Renji fell backwards in his chair, falling on top of Ichigo who was too scared to think about getting up. Rukia, while shocked, was more focused on the coughing fit her Taicho had gone into. Keigo and Mizuiro were both backed up into a corner with Hitsugaya, obviously nervous, and Tatsuki, who was practically picking dandelions. Meanwhile, Yumichika, Rangiku and Ikkaku were right as fucking-was Ikkaku laughing? He was gonna _kill_ him; just wait until he was on the end of this! "No- Not only were you NOT THINKING, you've gone bloody well _BRAIN-DEAD_! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!" She flung herself at his chest and painfully punched. "After _all_ that we went through last year-Cedric, Voldemort-" the wizards flinched, " Would you STOP FLINCHING AT A NAME! after _all_ that we went through, you go and pull A STUNT. LIKE. THIS!" She stopped suddenly, the only thing punctuating the tension being Ukitake's coughing and Ikkaku's now boisterous laughter.

She spun around with an almost audible crack, her hair whipping him in the face. "So you think this is _funny_ do you?" She shoved Yumichika and Rangiku aside, quickly striding across the room, and put her wand to Ikkaku's jugular. "So you think it's FUNNY! Just wait until you're the one stuck in THIS GODDAMN HOUSE, cleaning, and reading, and joking, and being berating by A BLOODY FUCKING PAINTING, while your BEST FRIEND is MISSING with a FUCKING MASS MURDERER ON HIS ASS!"

"Hermione-" Yumichika attempted to separate her from his partner, although from the look on his face he knew it was futile.

"'Mione-" he stood up from his chair.

"Don't flipping 'Mione' me, EITHER OF YOU!" her breathing came in ragged breaths, but none the less she lowered her wand and stalked over to him. After a couple of seconds of pure tension she slapped him, hard, then locked him in a hug that took the air out of him. "Don't you ever do that again Harry Potter, or I will personally _hunt you down and castrate you_, and anyone who helps you. AM I CLEAR?" Her finger jabbed into his chest, tears welling up in her eyes. There were several nodded heads before she ran out of the room in tears, Ginny, Orihime and a reluctant Tatsuki following her.

"Maybe I should go too? I mean it is my-"

"Don't finish that Rukia," Keigo started, "A) It's not your fault, really and B) Do you really think that's going to help right now?" Everyone admitted that Keigo had a point.

In the still open door way Byakuya and Kenpachi appeared.

"What happened in here? It looks like Frost Bite over there glued you to the floor with Bankai."

"Rukia? Abarai?" Byakuya's eyes turned to him; a clear warning. "Does this have anything to do with the shouting we heard? Who did they say that was, a Hermoni?"

"Hermione Granger, she's one of my-"

"Our." Yumichika butted in.

"One of our best friends. She's scary smart but sometimes-"

"But sometimes she's fucking mental." Ichigo finished.

"Well she has a point." Ron butted in, just because he could, "You guys were kind of stupid. Then again, she's been overreacting all summer long. I think it's the house personally, not the most cheerful place is it?"

Ukitake cleared his throat of congestion, rubbing the muscles above his heart tenderly. "Well your friend is, uh, very…"

"Mental?"

"Hormonal,"

"Tasteless"

"Psycho!"

"Uh, Lionhearted, I was going to say." He and Ron just waved his politeness off.

"Just wait, this wasn't even the half of it-"

"Says the one who was watching and not getting new bruises."

"Yeah, well, it isn't even close to her worst! Just wait until it comes time for OWLS, urgh, she's _already_ talking about them, and school hasn't even _started yet_. What's she gonna be like when they're actually here?" He pointed out; everyone shuddered.

"Suddenly I'm afraid for my safety…"

"Then you might want to sit down Renji, cause it only gets worse from here." He warned, and then found at least a dozen eyes asking him to explain just what he meant.

* * *

><p><strong>I kind of picture this leading into 'On the Straight and Narrow'... of course there were people in that chapter that aren't stated in this one, and vise versa, but you can imagine they're there ;). Again, thanks to any of you still reading this. Remember, reviews constantly remind me of this, and when<strong> **I'm reminded of something, I get inspiration, and when I'm inspired, I write, and when I write, you get more to read. So Reviews=More Reading, and that makes everyone happy. Until another day. Sayonara~  
><strong>


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